Absolute Moral Truth

To Whom It May Concern:

In light of the recent economic turmoil I feel the need to help your company address your obvious need for Change. I read recently that earnings for shareholders have dropped dramatically and that you are in talks with other major car manufacturers for potential mergers. However I believe there is a real opportunity to not only save your company but the entire future of the car industry.

I propose you hire me as your CEO and President to help you usher in Change.

Why should do this? I believe the better question is, why shouldn’t you do this? I do not mean to boast but I will give you the short version of my very robust experience and qualifications.

In my early years I attended a prestigious grade school that I was the only Hispanic to attend. I know, that’s pretty impressive but there’s more. I was excellent in spelling bees and often was told by my teachers that I was “pretty awesome”. Later on I went to a exclusive college preparatory high school where I became the PRESIDENT of the entire student body. This year of experience allowed me the intense training I needed to eventually be the CEO of a major corporation. I learned how to balance the school donut budget, talk in front of people really well, and pass new rules governing the food we served. Thanks to my leadership of Change no underprivileged person in my school ever had to endure “Sloppy Joe Fridays” EVER again.

My achievements after high school were simply stunning to say the least. I immediately was hired by a law firm that gave me the incredible task of filing their secret papers. I was 1 of only 50 other people they hired to do this job. 1 of 50. This job required incredible attention to detail for fear of the prospect of horrific paper cuts and scars. This experience alone qualifies me to run one of the largest companies ever to exist in the history of man kind. It is a scientific fact that my experience has given me the indispensable tools to run your company (Scientific Facts for Dummies Pg 104).

If I weren’t impressive enough I have read many books about CEO’s, spent hours in front of a mirror practicing to be a CEO, and have really really wanted to do it since I was like 7. But WAIT here is the clincher, I am one of the best motivational speakers you or anyone has or will ever hear in your life time; I will literally captivate the minds of anyone who listens to me. I am so good at speaking in front of crowds that I can literally say anything, hang out with ANYONE, and even threaten people lives and NO ONE will pay attention to it. They will stare at me as their eyes gloss over and smile from my wonderful talking prowess.

But enough about me let’s talk about what I intend to do when I become CEO. This plan is very robust and I believe you will be thoroughly impressed:

• I will cut the wages of all employees by 40% across the board, BUT we will give the employees a 67% increase in love, support, and Change.
• The top 5% of the highest wage earning employees will receive a 30% increase in their payroll taxes. We will then go to the American public with that money and give it to anyone who has a GM car, but particularly Mexicans or other poor people I guess, but mostly Mexicans cause I feel bad for them.
• We will stop building cars and start building the flying cars from the Jetsons that ran on Air. The technology for this already exists; we just need to freaking do it.
• I will bankrupt the other car manufacturers by cutting the cost of our old gas guzzling cars by 80% driving down the cost and ultimately demand. Once they are bankrupted I will then release the GM Flymobile.
• Finally I will give 30% of the shareholders profits from GM and give it to the people of Mexico. In spite of the fact that they pay ZERO taxes and don’t have any stake in the company, they suffer a lot and that’s the right thing to do.

I am asking you to hire me for Change because well what you are doing isn’t working; my plan is at the very least something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN OR KNOWN. Any Change is Good Change right?

I look forward to your overwhelming response in hiring me for this job and would like to begin negotiations on my robust salary, new company car, 4 new houses for me and my extended family, and of course the Jet that I require. If for some reason you are questioning this decision on any level DON’T, because if you do I’ll pull the race card; you don’t want to be RACISTS do you?

It’s Time for Change,

Jacob Morales

Future CEO of GM